Sexual (dis)orientation; Love

(Ohh haven't properly blogged in quite a while... Warning: this is one seriously drawn-out, long overdue, aggregated post, so forgive the disjointedness of thought. But anyway.)

What makes us truly human and unique from all other animals is, contrary to popular belief, not our intelligence but rather our capacity to imagine. Escapism - something to be taken seriously? Only us humans can creates worlds and scenarios and dreams to free ourselves from this life; chimpanzees will always be focused on their current habitat, their next meal, their next mate.

So as I trooped down town with Wan Phing and Shyan to watch Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain a couple of Saturdays ago, I wondered - was Ang Lee living out his heart's secret desires by directing this highly controversial "gay-cowboy-movie"? How about the lovely-eyed Jack Gyllenhaal and craggy Heath Ledger for that matter? But heck, fantasy or reality, within the first hour I was moved. God, watching the hunger in the way they almost ate each other, first with eyes and then mouths, the force of Ennis del Mar slamming his hips into Jack Twist, and how they wrestled with the tearing and intensity of secret love... it was like a punch to the solar plexus. Literally took the wind out of my sails. To quote Wan Phing: "How do stories that aren't even your own change you?"

I'm not afraid to admit, I do envy those who have found somebody. They have guts. Of all the seven billion people in the big blue world, to meet a single person by chance and deciding hey, this could be the one - that is one helluva thought. To imagine spending the rest of your life with this one, single person, loving someone other than our own selfish selves. Sometimes I think - could I ever be constant like this? But I've never been one to embrace making decisions in life. Honestly, a gal really can break her own heart over choices - Matthieu Kassovitz, Eric Bana, River Phoenix (unfortunately deceased, but his brother Joaquin will do just fine thank you sir), Matt Damon, James Franco, Orlando Bloom, Alec Newman, Sean Bean... Sigh, there really is such thing as too much of any good thing huh.

(But don't let me get too distracted.) As I walked out of AMC, I realised that even more than I envy those who have found their supposed other half, I envy those who have found someone, and had the strength to move on. Just finished watching another movie, Wong Kar Wai's classic In the Mood for Love. Oh my, what satisfying masochism, sitting through two hours of indecision and unspoken fantasies. In the end, the exquisitely fragile and fabulously-dressed Maggie Cheung stays with her unfaithful husband and has his son, and ever-charming Leung Chiu Wai ends up in a cello-haunted Angkor Wat. It really got me thinking, How on earth do they do that? Yes, they vowed never to be like their unfaithful spouses, but when you have this special connection with another person that feels so right, why walk away? I guess for most of us, we meet someone we kinda like, and they kinda seem to like us as a fellow homo sapiens too - well, we go for it.

What really got to me in Brokeback Mountain was that it was an uncomplicated story, a story about love. Incidentally the two people in love where both men. But what did it matter? Love is the fuel of existence, the Mobil or Shell to our jaded, tired lives. Ennis del Mar and Jack Twist found the capacity within themselves just to love another, regardless of gender or social constraints. Oh yes, there was plenty of sex, but it was the person that truly mattered. After that brief, glorious season together, the two men part. Ennis, the more constrained of the two, collects his wages and then breaks down behind a wall. In fact, he wallopes himself against said wall. Ouch. But then again, a physical expression and release of what's within him. Ever felt so strongly about someone or something that you literally, physically felt that exquisite pain of feeling?

I noticed a trend running through most of the movies I've watched recently. Aeon Flux, Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line, In the Mood for Love... entertainment in their own right, some of it darn good, but they all lacked a certain climax, that building of tension until it's all over and you sigh and only then realise the movie had you holding your breath. So I decided to go listen to the music department's Sinfonietta play Beethoven, Hindemith and Sibelius on Saturday night. Don't take me for a snob - it was all pretty good especially the Pelleas and Melisande suite, but again, I left feeling a little let down. Then I realised I need some catharsis - Aristotle's way of being clever by showing he understood Greek tragedy and its effect on the human condition. I guess all this tension has been building up inside from so many little things: first having to leave Malaysia after a rather sad and unsatisfactory holiday, then the hell of exams over two weeks, stress, indecision, confusion. So I listened to our Sherborne recording of Sibelius' 2nd Symphony, loud. Read the newspaper. Had a very long-winded but freaking amusing msn conversation about Amsterdam and miscellaneous "hum sup" stuff with Lynn, Shyan and JJ. Cooked an ugly yummy dinner. Banged head against wall a la Heath Ledger (metaphorically of course - I love myself too much to do that). Read The Prophet and at last felt much better.

But then.. I discovered that endorphins and peace don't last very long in my world. So here's a chopped quote:

"Though his ways are hard and steep,
though the sword hidden among your pinions may wound you,
though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden...
So shall he crucify you."

Apology to those who know where this comes from - I'm in a pessimistic mood right now. And I wish I could open myself with words, so confident in the face of both lovers and strangers, very much like the way Stephanie Klein does. Someone please tear my heart out and force me to walk away, and then I will be fine.